Giving up

This is a sad post.  I have spent the last 15 months devoted to Poptart, to helping him become a safe, confident endurance horse.  I have somewhat achieved the endurance horse part of the equation.  He is an entirely different, much more confident and more able horse than the one I picked up from Days End Farm and Horse Rescue last year.  I generally only post publicly about our achievements or superficial challenges, I don't typically share more personal feelings except with close friends and family.  However, since day one I have struggled to feel safe with Poptart. He is a very emotional and reactive horse, he can have some impressive reactions that look something like a cross between a jack rabbit and kangaroo.  We have achieved a 200% improvement in his reactions and my safety.  In the last 2 months his progress has been excellent, he is more obedient, lighter to the aids, and we have had some fantastic liberty play. However, what has been made even more evident by the significant improvements in communication/training is that regardless of his knowledge and desire to please he is still a reactive and emotional horse.  He is a horse that, for your personal safety, you have to ride 100% of the time (per Jaime's recent blog, https://greento100.wordpress.com/ Poptart does not 'fill-in' for the rider).  It should have been a big red flag when I needed to buy an expensive safety vest just to ride him at home (not that safety equipment isn't a good idea regardless).  But I am very persistent and strongly believed that with a enough time, patience, and effort I could build his confidence to the point that I would be comfortable riding him.

I reached the point (actually reached it a long time ago, but I can be quite stubborn) where riding is not fun; I have anxiety in the pit of my stomach every time I think about riding Poptart.  I even considered giving up horses entirely because they are so much work, money, and effort and if it is not fun then what is the point?  Then I rode Rogan (my steady-eddy QH/warmblood cross), and while he is like F350 compared to a Ferrari, it was amazing! I walked, trotted, cantered without fear! I thought his little rambunctious canter protest crowhops were fun. He was stiff in his shoulders and it was fun to practice stretching him through lateral work. I then walked the trail around my house without anxiety for the first time in many  months. Riding is actually fun!

This was a very hard moment, involving lots of tears. I came to the realization that I do not enjoy riding Poptart, it is scary and work instead of fun.  I do not think more time and practice or persistance will change his innate spirit and playful personality.  I love him and think he is an absolutely amazing endurance horse, but not with me. He needs a different rider with more confidence, a rider that can trust Poptart so he can then trust his rider.

As I adopted him from DEFHR http://www.defhr.org/ I am contacting them about returning him so he can be adopted to a more suitable rider.  If any of you are looking for spirited endurance horse he will be amazing and I am happy to answer any and all questions.  He is a 2010 Polish Arabian gelding by Equifor (bred by Canterbury Farms in Maryland), 14.2 H,  800 lbs, excellent solid bone/legs, and pulses down faster than you can untack him at vet checks.  He loves to roll in sand and would prefer to live outside with large herd.

Daily life

Front leg hobbles

Hind leg hobbles

Last night Graham and I went to see a band and returned home at the wee hours of the morning.  So being a bit tired this morning, I decided to take it easy and play with Poptart on the ground (while I read).  I think it has been almost a year since I first introduced hobbles and thought it was high-time for another refresher. Poptart grazed peacefully with Rogan while wearing the hobbles for 5 minutes on the front legs, and then 5 minutes on the rear legs. No problem, it was just like we had practiced yesterday rather than last year! (Rogan got to wear the hobbles then too!)

Learning that the world does not end if a saddle slips.

I also have the goal of helping Poptart become comfortable, and to not panic, if the saddle should ever slip to the side or under his belly.  In his first saddling sessions, at the rescue, this did happen and it has left a definite fear memory for Poptart.  We are going slow, but when he saw me coming with the pad in the backyard he obviously knew we were going to play with this again, as we did the other day, and he adroitly stepped to the other side of Rogan several times.  This is very unusual for Poptart who generally loves attention. It was very specific to the exact situation of me carrying the bareback pad by itself in the backyard while grazing, as he is perfectly content to be saddled with the bareback pad prior to riding and also when I approached him several times earlier for the hobbling practice. Very interesting!  We proceeded and I saddled him with the bareback pad sideways (with a very loose girth) and then let him graze. I then switched it to the other side  while he continued to graze.  I then repeated that and asked him to laterally disengage both directions.  I then placed it on him normally, so he didn't end the session worrying about it sideways, let him graze and then brought both horses in.  I will continue to practice this slowly so he gradually becomes very confident with each stage until he no longer fears the pad migrating to unusual locations. On a side note Poptart does not do well with overcoming fear with the total immersion or flooding approach to phobias.  We maintain a much better bond and he stays calm and confident with a gradual approach to confidence building.

On the riding front (all bareback with the pad at home) Poptart has significantly improved with our arena exercises. He readily understands the shoulder-in and counter shoulder-in on the circle at the walk and trot, and is now readily offering a more relaxed head/neck position during those exercises.  We still have a little brace when starting the trot but he is softening pretty quickly.  He also will walk/trot around the arena with his head and neck lowered and extended and I am starting to feel his back lift more and more.  The canter has improved in the last few sessions and we are now getting a full lap prior to having abrupt stops or protests hops over continued cantering. The upward transitions are more willing and the downward are immediate (at least in the arena, LOL!)

I am playing with approach and retreat with riding him around the house/neighborhood and am ensuring that if he becomes tense or worried I immediately ask his head to lower and start small circles of shoulder-in or counter shoulder-in.  I am trying to only go to his threshold with this and not too far beyond it, as I think too much stimulation and fear is counterproductive. I learned, belatedly, from my neighbors that a young bear may have moved-in to the woods of our neighborhood trail behind the houses.  That would explain why Poptart became so worried on several occasions in the woods we ride through routinely, he must have smelled the nearby bear. 

We went back out on first conditioning ride for a while using our Freeform saddle and skito pad. We took it easy and had to address 'worried horse' a few times but overall it went really well. When we finished the 11 mile ride Poptart did have a minor rub from the girth (same as from Old Dominion). I am going to have to keep working on saddle fit :(  I would like to ride in the 25 mile limited distance endurance ride at Fort Valley at the end of October. 

The most recent frustration is seeming unpredictability.  I am not sure how to resolve this... For example, we have a teeter-totter bridge that Poptart has been ridden and led over every session for the past 6 weeks.  This past week he stepped on it, the bridge teeted down (as always!) and he jumped 4 foot sideways like he had never seen this happen before.  He gave every indication of being genuinely afraid so I calmly approached and retreated as if it were a new obstacle.  I am not sure why he would develop a new fear and I can't help thinking that maybe he is playing games with me and is not truly afraid (maybe bored? or worked up from something else?)...but either way we keep persisting!  Now time for an afternoon ride :)